Garrr and Poe

My husband and I got our first cairn terrier when my mom died. We inherited her five-year-old female named Skye, a Toto look-alike who was very sweet, easy, and fearful of plastic bags and thunderstorms. When she died eight years later, we got two more. Ten weeks old. Brothers. Adorable. A ton of work. Fearful of nothing. Unlike Skye who hid behind the toilet with an approaching storm, these two barked at their first experience with thunder. They continually challenge us.Cairn terriers are funny, curious, adorable, frightening little bundles of energy. They are not for everyone but we can't imagine being without them. There's lots of advice out there and if it works for you, great. Some ideas have worked for us, too many have not.

Prior to picking up our two brand new three-pound bundles of joy, I did my homework. I read the books. Not just one. No. I read seven books on raising puppies.

And this is what they had to say:

When you first bring home your new puppy, it will certainly have to pee so make sure you immediately take the puppy to the designated pee area outside so it will know that's where it should pee. What I learned is that after carrying your little one over to the pee place, it will stare at you with big curious eyes while you sit on the hard ground in the rain with your legs crossed (because you have to pee so bad) while you beg the little creature to do what page 12 said it should do. After a half hour you give up and bring the puppy inside where it will immediately pee on the floor. House training a puppy, we were told by the experts, is not rocket science. All you have to do is follow a few simple rules and your puppy will be accident free from day one. FROM DAY ONE. Of course at the very least, rocket science is understood by rocket scientists. There is no puppy science. No puppy scientists. A puppy will pee whenever and wherever it feels like no matter what book you show it, or what chapter you quote to it. You want puppy science. Here it is: "I gotta pee. This spot looks good."

Along with house training, learning to chew on appropriate items is another crucial element in your puppy's education which the books will tell you is easily achieved by going out and purchasing all kinds of chew toys. Your puppy, they say, will be content for HOURS chewing on these toys. I bought soft fluffy chew toys, hard rubber ones, some that are stringy, some you stuff with treats, some that are hard and squeak, some that are soft and squeak, some that don't squeak, some that roll, that bounce, that look like some poor little baby creature your dog will love to rip apart. What I discovered was that a puppy will spend approximately 1.3 seconds on a chew toy, about 8 seconds on a stick, and maybe 12 seconds on a plastic bag. It will, however, happily spend hours chewing on any soft, fleshy part of your body with its tiny, needle-like teeth.

Those wonderful store-bought puppy treats make teaching your puppy to come when called a snap. Nothing's more enticing than store-bought puppy treats. Unless, of course, your sweet little darling has stumbled on some yummy wild animal poop. Your puppy will come if and when it damn well feels like it. You might as well be trying to coax it with one of its worthless five-dollar chew toys.

Your brand new puppy is a puppy after all so of course it's going to nip. Not to worry. By simply yelling "yipe!", your puppy will understand that biting is inappropriate and immediately stop. Orrrrrrr, it just may make your puppy go crazy and come after you like a snarling beast from hell while you run away yelling "yipe yipe yipe, no no no, stop stop stop, eh eh, eh eh" (eh eh is recomended by pet trainers as an alternative to always saying no. I have unfortunately eh eh'd my husband on a couple of occasions, who I might add, has caught on much more quickly than the puppies).

A great deal of exercise is highly recommended by the experts. Some suggest walking your dog an hour and a half or more a day. I guess the idea is to exhaust your four-legged friend into behaving. If that much walking sounds a little daunting, the experts say training your puppy to run on a treadmill should do the trick. Okay, that does sound a little over the top but we were actually, sort of, half way thinking it might not be such a bad idea. But I just couldn't get past the image of the little ones running their puppy hearts out as my husband and I sprawled on the couch watching TV and eating ice cream. So I walk them. And walk them. And you know what? You cannot tire out a puppy. I, however, am exhausted.

One of the most vital things you can do for your new puppy is to sign it up for training class. In just a few short weeks, you will teach your new puppy how to be a well-behaved member of the family. However, don't be surprised if on "graduation day" your puppy lays spread eagle on the floor refusing to do anything you beg it to do as you drag it from test station to test station like a dust mop, turns its nose up at all of those yummy store streats you try bribing it with, poops on the floor, attacks the new foo-foo puppy coming in for its first class, and bites the teacher. Of course your little student will still get a diploma because you can't sign up for the $100 intermediate class unless your devil dog graduates.